A break from the real world

So, I did mean to write a blog post or three after I finished the thesis, but for various reasons, it never happened.

Those reasons involved doing as little on computers as I could for a couple of months (a reaction to the fact that I chose to print less and read on screen more during my research, and then to the hours and hours and hours that I spent actually writing and editing the damn thing), and then getting involved in the real world again, aka starting work.

But I'm back in Oxford for my viva exam, and I really do feel like I've stepped out of the real world.

Part of this is Oxford itself: even though I lived for two years, the place still holds a real charm and unreality for me. The memory of my first couple of days here is still strong - when I explored with a friend, and every now and then one of us would say: "we're really here, aren't we?" in a voice of wonder - and the strength of the memory is because I never really got over that wonder.

Then there are my emotional memories of my time here. First: temporariness. Except during the first couple of months, when there were a number of different ways the past few years could have turned out, I always knew my time here was limited. So that feeling is intertwined with every single memory I have. Second: research. Research has never felt "real world" to me, and the fact that I was here entirely because I wanted to, rather than any particular direct career enhancement, just added to that. And while I prepare for my viva, I'm essentially back here doing research.

Of course, this is all magnified by the fact that I'm sitting here at the same desk in the law library that I used to use (although I only came up here when I needed to look at sources I couldn't get online).

And then: people. The friends that I've stayed in touch with anyway - seeing them grounds me, makes me realise that the 24-hour journey didn't take me to a different planet, after all. But seeing the people that I knew in passing or from classes, that feels other-worldly.

Finally, the usual feeling that you get when you come back to somewhere you know well, after an absence of some time: that time simply hasn't passed since you left. That feeling is enhanced by the simple fact that I'm back to finish the formal requirements for my degree.

(Funnily, the thing that made me realise that yes, time has continued to pass during my absence, was the fact that the ivy was all completely dead in my college's front quad. It was turning red when I left.)

So all these things, plus the fact that I haven't exactly slept a particularly healthy amount over the last day or two, make me feel a little like I'm dreaming.

Still, it's a beautiful day (sun! really!), it's a beautiful place, and I get an excellent excuse to wear my red coat. So I'm hardly complaining!